Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Don't go making waterfalls

In case you've contacted me today and are wondering why I'm taking even longer than usual to reply, let me provide you with an illustration, drawn by my son this morning:

That's him and me. He's got the frown and the cascade emanating from his mouth; I, the smile (because I'm "nice," he says; which makes sense because I'm certainly not happy -- I take about as much delight in this situation as I would in being audited by the IRS while the IRS is being represented by my least favorite teacher from seventh grade, who resembles a shorter, fatter Mommie-Dearest Dunaway on a particularly bad day -- while we're both on our periods). I also have a branched wrist, apparently, so I can both hold his germ-infested paw and offer a continually re-chilled washcloth. The alien at our feet is our cat, who sat by David's side all night and morning and alerted us like some kind of feline Lassie every time he stirred. Which is cute, except when he's just stirring and I want to be sleeping.

So that's what I've been up to today. He started the fun last night by producing a very believable recreation of Niagara Falls (only tinged cherry-Pop-Tart pink) in the bathroom and then holding a repeat performance, and another, and another. He finally retired, and we were only treated to one Linda Blair-esque episode, so that's something.

I was going to post another question post, and probably will later. For now, you can have my questions du jour to tide you over.

  • How does a thimble's worth of liquid turn into seventeen gallons in the stomach of a seven-year-old boy?
  • Is there a way to suspend a person in a mid-air forcefield while he sleeps so you don't have to, say, get up at 3 in the morning to groggily lug a wad of puked-on bedding downstairs; and so that you don't feel something seeping up your arm toward you elbow and this time you actually hope it's pee? I mean, just for example.
  • Anyone know of a way to force a grown man to do his share of pukey kid duty? Or how to find him, for that matter?
  • Can you safely spray Lysol on a cat?


Leslie F. Miller said... Best Blogger Tips

Start training him to wake up your husband, and pretend to be sleeping if your husband tries to wake you?

Every mom goes through it. It's no fun, but it's not so often.

I hope it's all a distant memory, and you are out terrorizing bugs soon.

heather said... Best Blogger Tips

I believe the answers to all of your questions is NO.

Kristina's 7th grade advanced math teacher sounds like the daughter of your 7th grade teacher. I'm thinking of letting her read what you wrote :-)

Kim Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

Ha; Leslie. I know you're right. It's not something unique to me/us. But that doesn't make it any better. And I think "Mom!" is just the automatic sound of distress my son makes. If it's time to play, of course, he's all about Dad. Lucky me.

Hope Kristina makes it through having such an individual for a teacher, Heather. If you're even half as good an advocate as my mom was, she'll be all set. My parents never argued "our case" with teachers (probably because my dad knew how much that sucks for the teacher) -- until that teacher accused me twice of plagiarizing "because the writing is too good for a seventh grader." My mom showed up, source material in hand and ready to go to bat. I was fine after that, if not exactly her favorite student.

heather said... Best Blogger Tips

This teacher screams at the kids, if they stay after school for help tells them to read the book. Kristina still manages a 99 average but says math is no longer her favorite subject. Nice job, huh?

It is awkward since I work in the district, but many of us including other teachers whose children are in her class have complained to the principal.

Sarcastic Mom said... Best Blogger Tips

Aw, man. I HATE the pukey pukes.
Hope he feels better soon!
(Cats can take anything. Hit it with the Lysol. But have the camera on timer, b/c that shit is going to look funny captured.)

Kim Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

Ha! I was just trying to look up information on a writer who had covered actual waterfalls in Arizona, and this was the first result in Google.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

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Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

I don’t usually reply to posts but I will in this case. WoW