Friday 5: Black widows, the actual best spiders

I said some time ago that I was going to write a response to The Dragonfly Woman's post, Why Jumping Spiders Will Always Be My Favorite Spiders. Sure, they're cute. And hilarious dancers. And ridiculously photogenic. She picked a good family. However, my loyalties lie elsewhere. I'm sure you already know what's coming.

Five reasons black widows are actually the best spiders


You have to seek them out

Black widows won't come after you. This might be good news if you're, well, normal, but if you're a spider lover -- or just that rare breed of bug-loving, camera-toting nut that really isn't so rare in this crowd -- it might be vexing. Black widows aren't out during the day. They build webs in corners. They vanish into little hidey holes when they sense the slightest movement, and then they won't come out for hours, sometimes. (I know. I've waited.)

Somehow, this hard-to-get routine makes them that much more appealing. Like those CDs that used to be so hard to open, or a dish that takes a while to cook. (I assume. I spend more time with the spiders than in the kitchen.) I've spent more hours than I should probably admit, poised by the corner of our patio or next to the broken pipe that houses a big female every year. I genuinely get excited when those first legs tiptoe out of the gloom. 

You have to look closely

Gimme a kiss!

Not everyone I run into knows or has looked carefully enough to note the shape of the red or orange abdomen marking on a black widow (it's an hourglass, sometimes two disconnected triangles). But there's much more; and unlike some big-eyed, fancy-dancing, well-coiffed spiders who shall remain nameless; black widows play it a bit closer to the chest (or cephalothorax). Have you ever really seen a black widow's eyes? They're smaller than a jumping spider's, but kind of endearingly buggy. Do you know the exact sheen on an adult female's abdomen, and the dimples that invariably form? Have you ever caught the pinprick glisten on a widow's fangs as she eats a moth? Either most people are missing out, or I really need a life. OK, it's probably a little of both.

They're sexy

Come on. Even if you don't think the two terms belong within a mile of each other, think "spider" and "sexy." What's the general shape in your mind? It's a black widow, isn't it?

Apparently, Google agrees. Over the course of the past few years, I've had reason to search for "black widow" and "black widow female" several times. Here's what usually happens:

Now, there's plenty to be annoyed about -- the feminist in me and the "No, I meant the spider!" in me both take issue with the results. But you've got to admit, this is a spider with presence. A spider people want to be. Just imagine people trying to emulate any other spider. Try to imagine a Marvel hero named "Salticidae" or "Orb weaver." (OK, so there are a few "Tarantulas" in Marvel and DC, but they're all super lame.) The jet-black color, the curves, the long, slender legs. And yes, the venom and (mostly apocryphal) mate eating. The black widow spider is iconic. If jumping spiders are great ambassadors because they're adorable puppy-dog "gateway" spiders, then black widows are the conversation starters. They're the quintessential spider spiders.

Their webs are awesome

I know, there are prettier webs, larger webs, and a few stronger webs. But black widow webs remain my favorites. The thread is shockingly strong. And although the web looks like a disorganized mess, it functions like a three-dimensional pulley system and sensory grid. It's a machine. And it's fascinating to watch the operators at work. Black widows are a little like penguins or seals in one way -- on the ground, they're awkward and clumsy, toddling and wobbling about, but in their environment (their web, rather than water), they're full of sinuous, remarkable, swift grace. They run through the web instinctively, throwing silk loops around prey moments after it becomes entangled.

No one expects it

For black widows to be my favorite, that is. (Also, the Spanish Inquisition.)

They're venomous! I have pets and a kid! They traumatized me! And they're venomous! I know a friend of a friend of a friend of etc. that could have died once from what was almost kind of certainly maybe a black widow bite!

First, they're not as dangerous as all that. Yes, they have potent venom; but they bite people so rarely, and only when directly threatened, and even then the person is usually fine; as to make actively fearing them make about as much sense as fearing cars. (Actually, you're in much more danger around a car, probably.) Just be careful. And let the venom and danger prompt you to learn more. Also, I love adorable jumping spiders and their ability to bring more people into the spider loving fold. But if we can love these spiders too -- the most venomous spiders around, the ones who get such a bad rap for mate eating, the ones with freaking danger signs on their abdomens -- then maybe we can love them all. And by extension, all critters. Look closely. Be amazed.

Friday 5: Adorable arthropods

I have insect and spider shots that are better than some of these. But these are the cutest. Yes, cutest. Even people who aren't me, my son, or my buggy friends have awwwed at a few bugs now and then.

Praying mantis


Hey there! Be my friend? And feed me live flies?


Damselfly


He probably sucks at hide and seek.


Fiery skipper


Seriously, don't you just want to pet him?


Pallid-winged grasshopper


Grouchily adorable.


Jumping spider


If I didn't kind of hate the word, I'd squee here. Tiny cute spider! It was my writing muse for an afternoon.

Back to regularly scheduled intelligent nature blogging this evening. Oooh, and a bonus peekaboo damselfly:

Friday 5: Mealtime

I'm a big, nature-loving softie. Still, predation is pretty cool. It's part of nature, after all. I've mentioned it here and included it in sets like this or this. Here are five more scenes I found gorgeous rather than grisly. (Your mileage, as always, will vary. My husband says if you're not me, you'll probably lean toward grisly. But he thinks I'm weird to eat during medical dramas too.)

Mantis on spider:




Heron on fish:



Orb weaver on cicada:



Red-tailed pennant dragonfly on mating damselflies (twin-wrapped snack pack?):



Milkweed bugs on cockroach:



Now then ... Who's hungry?

Friday 5 (x2): 10 Horrible things that have happened to me, and how upset I got

Rage: I think I'm doing it wrong. And yes, that's really how I cuss.

Friday 5: Futility, in five short acts

I've been a little absent these last couple weeks, but it's not because I'm lazy. It's because I'm being productive for once! I've been putting the finishing touches on an article, and planning a couple of future ones. Plus, my son's on fall break, so, you know, zero free time. Also, I forgot last Friday was Friday.

My writing "process" might have something to do with it as well. Here's what today's process looked like.

Act 1: Warming up/arguing with self

OK, self. Time to finish this article.

But I'm so tired.

No, you're not. Forget the sleep deprivation thing. Just pretend you've had more than four hours.

Oh, OK. I'm at the computer. See?

I see you checking Facebook.

Nuh uh! It was ... Flickr. And then Facebook.

OK. Cut it out. Work. Now.

But ... but wait! A bunch of people like me on Google+ now! Promoting my photos there is LIKE work, right?

Right?

Oh, OK. Fine. [Work for 45 minutes.]


Act 2: Richard Dawkins needs my help

Oh, wow; look. Bill O'Reilly and Richard Dawkins talked again. What an idiot. I have to watch that!

No, wait. Work. Can't watch it. I'll just keep the page open for later.

Well, sheesh. Now the page is slowing down my computer. I can't close it yet, but I have to close it and get to work. It would be irresponsible not to watch the interview!

[Watch interview.]

Oh my gosh. He really is a moron. I wish there was some way I could go on the show. I'd be ready for him.

[Fatasize aboout handing Bill O'Reilly his ass about science. Realize Dawkins is approximately 5,795,021 times more qualified for this. Narrow it down to the niche of raising freethinking kids, in which Dawkins only beats me by a margin of 26,045 to one. Fantasize for a while anyway. Start to mentally script out what I would say. Think about typing it. Pull up Word.]

Agh; that's right! My article!


Act 3: 98 degrees of separation

[Work on article. Come across interview reference to medical journal article. Type in search terms for said article.]

Well, that's not the right one, but look at what else this doctor did. I didn't even know that procedure existed!

Whoa; it goes all the way back to the 1800s! Who knew? I must research this further. Who cares if it has anything to do with the article? Being well-informed makes me a better writer!

[Several websites later, a quote from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Head to Wikipedia.]

[Several, several Wikipedia pages later] Whoa; I never knew that about chewing tobacco or the Emmys!

[Stomach growls.] Geez. I'd better get some lunch so I can finish my ... oh no.


Act 4: Everyone's against me

[Get some lunch. Put it on desk. Son calls from living room, even though husband is also in living room. Playing a video game.]

Can I have a snack?

[Get snack. Bring it to him. Sit down in office.]

And a drink?

[Get drink. Sit back down.]

And a sandwich?

[Get sandwich.]

Are you sure there's nothing else?

Hmm. Could you watch me jump off this ledge?

No! And why are you doing that?! Is that what you do when I'm in the office?

No... [Looks guiltily at husband. Husband looks abashed.]

[Consider fighting with husband. Decide eating would be more fun. Go back to office/lunch. Cat is carrying my chicken down the hallway in his mouth. Give up. Have cake.]

OK. Work. For real.

[Write three whole paragraphs. Yea me!]


Act 5: OK, fine then.

Well, look at those paragraphs! I'm on a roll. I never thought I'd get that part written. OK, then. I just have to paste in this quote...

[Copy quote from other file. Paste. Word says F you. Shuts down, taking difficult paragraphs with it.]

[At the same time, evangelists knock on door, son runs into office, cats start fighting, and phone rings.]

[Play on Flickr.]

[Play on Facebook.]

[Play on Google+.]

Son: Mom, are you still working?

[Feel immensely guilty. Am done.]


And that, my friends is how not to write an article, in 45 easy steps.