Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Too late to 'pologize

An apology:

To the people of Mesa, Arizona who smoke in public, or throw crap at animals, or allow their demon spawn children to chase animals:

I apologize if you have been accosted in the past year or so by an opinionated and abnormally articulate five-year-old, yelling and broadcasting your offense ("I hate smokers!" "I hope that bird poops on his head for throwing that rock!" "Why don't they make those kids stop being so mean?!" "I'm going to go tell him that birds are smarter than people realize. And that he's being less smart than the bird!" Or just the ubiquitous "Hey! HEY! HEEEEY! Quit it right now!") with the enthusiasm and volume of an audience-fueled politician on crack.

To the smokers: He calls cigarettes "smokers" and assures me that's what he hates; he would have no problem with you, if you would take that "yucky thing" and throw it in the garbage. (He is also prepared with a litter-bashing litany, should you choose to dispose of it on the ground.)

To the animal-harassers: Throwing crap? Really?

And to the inattentive lady at the park the other day: Your kid had it coming, chasing the geese for committing the offense of waddling near him. You're telling me if you were being chased by a clearly crazed animal several times your own size, making a sound somewhere between a cat being skinned and a wildebeest in heat, you wouldn't turn around and deliver even the smallest nip?

And I also apologize, to all you folks, that you are clearly too miserable to allow a few candid comments from a five-year-old child to roll off your backs. Rest assured I am teaching him politeness, and proper etiquette should you confront someone, and how to perhaps live to reach an age in the double-digits. But more than that, I'm teaching him to speak up for what he believes. If that means he implements the speaking-one's-mind lessons long before mastering the whole polite thing, so be it. Because he's got a pretty great mind. If you would use yours for a nanosecond, you'd see that.

And I also also apologize, that after such a confrontation is brought to my attention, I deliver the necessary chastisement but beyond that fail to have any less of a big mouth than my child. It's a family trait.

And in less than a month, this five-year-old won't be accosting you.

He'll be six.