Later, I found myself delivering the underpants lecture -- to my husband.
Sometimes I call my son the cats' names. Or call the cats "David!" at the top of my lungs.
I don't think I'm that scatter-brained. I think it's just that I have a handful of multitasking phrases that I recycle to get through each day. They might have different connotations depending on which person/animal I'm addressing, but these are most of the things I say in a day, in one form or another.
- I don't care. Just take off your clothes. Right now!
- You don't understand the Marvel comic universe at all. You can't go by the freaking cartoons.
- Put the $%#@ garbage in the $%#@ garbage can!
- You know what? Fine! If you want to wear your holey underwear from three years ago that doesn't even fit you anymore, just keep putting your laundry wherever you want.
- It's simple. If I'm on the couch with you, talk to me. If I'm writing, leave me alone.
- Hey, can you hold up this thing over here so I can take a picture? No, like this. No, in the light! No; now you're in the light! Seriously, do you even WANT me to be able to take pictures? Fine. I'll do it myself. What? Why are you upset?
- Trust me; you find your penis much more interesting than anyone else does.
- Quit throwing a football in the house!
- Quit throwing a Frisbee in the house!
- Quit throwing a... what is that even? A giant branch? A small log?
- No. I totally meant to turn the wrong way five times on my way to Phoenix. Now shut up.
- Seriously? Did you come in here just to fart?
- Fine. You can use the computer. Just leave my stuff alone.
- No, as a matter of fact, I don't think Phantom Menace was better than Return of the Jedi. What are you; nuts?
- I love you.
- Did you just barf on the rug?!
- Your food is just fine. And I just filled your water. And stop crying.
- I need to cut your nails, and squirming like this is only going to make it worse.
- It's just a vacuum, not the end of the world.
- We really don't need you to announce every time you go to poop.
- Quit licking me.
- Don't climb on the shelf.
- I really don't understand your obsession with butts.
- Honestly, are you snoring or starting a lawnmower in your throat?
- Are you going to sleep all day?
- Get you paw off my boob.
- You're adorable.
- What a funny coincidence! That thing you called to check on, because it's so late? I was just doing it/sending it over!