Thursday, May 17, 2012

My day in a few multitasking sentences

I found myself lecturing my son yesterday about the underpants-covered state of the entire house -- everywhere, in fact, except the laundry room.

Later, I found myself delivering the underpants lecture -- to my husband.

Sometimes I call my son the cats' names. Or call the cats "David!" at the top of my lungs.

I don't think I'm that scatter-brained. I think it's just that I have a handful of multitasking phrases that I recycle to get through each day. They might have different connotations depending on which person/animal I'm addressing, but these are most of the things I say in a day, in one form or another.

Husband/Son

  • I don't care. Just take off your clothes. Right now!
  • You don't understand the Marvel comic universe at all. You can't go by the freaking cartoons.
  • Put the $%#@ garbage in the $%#@ garbage can!
  • You know what? Fine! If you want to wear your holey underwear from three years ago that doesn't even fit you anymore, just keep putting your laundry wherever you want.
  • It's simple. If I'm on the couch with you, talk to me. If I'm writing, leave me alone.
  • Hey, can you hold up this thing over here so I can take a picture? No, like this. No, in the light! No; now you're in the light! Seriously, do you even WANT me to be able to take pictures? Fine. I'll do it myself. What? Why are you upset?
  • Trust me; you find your penis much more interesting than anyone else does.
  • Quit throwing a football in the house!
  • Quit throwing a Frisbee in the house!
  • Quit throwing a... what is that even? A giant branch? A small log?
  • No. I totally meant to turn the wrong way five times on my way to Phoenix. Now shut up.
  • Seriously? Did you come in here just to fart?
  • Fine. You can use the computer. Just leave my stuff alone.
  • No, as a matter of fact, I don't think Phantom Menace was better than Return of the Jedi. What are you; nuts?
  • I love you.

Son/Cats

  • Did you just barf on the rug?!
  • Your food is just fine. And I just filled your water. And stop crying.
  • I need to cut your nails, and squirming like this is only going to make it worse.
  • It's just a vacuum, not the end of the world.
  • We really don't need you to announce every time you go to poop.
  • Quit licking me.
  • Don't climb on the shelf.
  • I really don't understand your obsession with butts.

Husband/Cats

  • Honestly, are you snoring or starting a lawnmower in your throat?
  • Are you going to sleep all day?
  • Get you paw off my boob.
  • You're adorable.

Creditors/Bank/Editor/HOA

  • What a funny coincidence! That thing you called to check on, because it's so late? I was just doing it/sending it over!

6 comments:

rebecca said... Best Blogger Tips

This made me smile, so thank you! I particularly love the one about the Marvel universe. (I am far more knowledgeable about the movie universe than the comic books, though - since The Avengers came out, I constantly find myself explaining bits of it to everyone. "That guy on the crane in Thor was Hawkeye. Yes, it was the same actor. Yes, they really did plan it that far ahead." Etc.)

Kimberly Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

Haha; yes! I'm a bit of a stickler for those things. Now I understand a certain villain makes a brief appearance after the credits (I haven't seen it yet, but I'm a nerd so I read articles about movies about comics), and I'm way excited -- but exasperated at my husband, who was like "What? Who's that? Should I be impressed?"

Michael Fisher said... Best Blogger Tips

Kimberly ~ I've been thinking for a while that you're probably a fine writer, but now I KNOW that you are

Keep it coming please!

Michael Fisher said... Best Blogger Tips

Kimberly ~ I've been thinking for a while that you're probably a fine writer, but now I KNOW that you are

Keep it coming please!

Lauren D. McKinney said... Best Blogger Tips

Very funny. My house is strewn with socks and weird drawings.

Pam and Wayne said... Best Blogger Tips

What is it with the farts? My husband says "uh-oh" every time...like it was some big surprise! Luckily the cats are much better behaved in that regard!