Friday, July 23, 2010

Things I Hate-with-murderous-rage-for-no-good-reason Thursday

I wrote this Thursday, but now it's the wee hours of Friday. Bah. It's not a Things I Love anyway.

The thing about me is I'm really pretty good at bad stuff. Like, actual bad stuff. I'm sad/angry/scared/whatever just like the next person, but I go into action. I react later, if ever. In an emergency, I'm your lady. Well; if there are no paramedics, police officers, firefighters, emergency-trained civilians, or my mom available; then I'm your lady.

But little stuff drives me INSANE. This leads to a curious contradiction in my personality, and I'll say things like "No; he's not going into a coma. Let's just keep an eye on him and if he's not better by 6, we'll go to the hospital ... HOLY CRAP; I RAN INTO THE DOORKNOB! AGAIN!!!! AND NOW MY HAIR'S IN MY FACE! THE WORLD HATES ME!" (Actual example.)

So this is more of a Stupid-crap-that-shouldn't-bother-me-but-does post. Enjoy my impotent rage.

• I was woke up with a HUGE headache, like worse than my usual ones, like my brain was trying to punch my skull and poke out my right eye from the inside. Naturally, my husband saw fit to remedy this by flopping over on top of me, before shoving me out of bed entirely. He didn't even have the courtesy to wake up and see my death glare.

• The door burst open.
"Mom! Mom! Mom?"
"Meow. Meow Meow! MEOWWWW!"
"MOM!" [I was grabbed.]
"MEOW!!" [I was bitten. Scratched. Generally assaulted.]

• The toaster burned my toast. It also burned my fingers, because I don't stick utensils in the toaster because you're not supposed to, but I can't help thinking sticking my hand into burning metal isn't much better. The toaster's a bastard. Also, I can't ever clean it completely. What the hell, toaster.

• My son was behind on his homework ALREADY. On the second day. It was only because he hadn't brought home the ridiculously easy worksheet the first day, and when I told him "Just think to yourself, 'What is it that I need to bring home?' before you leave each day," he looked at me as though this had never ONCE occurred to him.

So the next day he had double homework. But this is double easy-beginning-of-third-grade-BS homework. I reasoned with him. I told him it was only a few minutes of work, then playing and frolicking fun-time.

(Because another fun part of my day was receiving a scammy phone call that made me paranoid that I owed my student loan people tons of money, I called the real company and was on hold for a bazillion hours. In this time, I drew a depiction of my reasoning with my son. Few minutes of work, blissful kid-type hi-jinks):

He opted for a different approach:

He decided to do this FOR THREE HOURS.

• I had to retrieve the trash can, naturally, in the swelteringly-miserablest part of the day. By the time I got out to the curb, I was sweating. By the time I grabbed the trash can, I was playing reluctant host to a curious wasp. Also, the can lid fell apart. By the time I had properly abused, cursed, and reassembled the can and was hitching it back to the yard, I realized I'd been standing in an anthill this whole time and was now the proud owner of two living socks. Much leaping about and shrieked obscenities ensued.

• As I headed upstairs my husband asked, in a funny voice, "Do you want some company?"
Me: "What? Are you offering?"
Him: "Huh?"
Me: "I said, are you offering? Are you trying to hit on me?"
Him: "Uh, no, not exactly."
Me: "Oh. OK then." [I turn to walk away.]
Him: "Where are you going?"
Me: "Oh, so you ARE trying to. OK, then! It was just off-putting when you said no."
Him: "Never MIND, then!"
Me (crying): "What? Why? I was happy about it!"
Him: "You said you were turned off!"
Me: "I did not! I said put off! Actually, I said YOU were off-putting! Totally different!"
Him: "Not to me!"

It devolved from there. I have a depiction of that one too (I was on hold for a while):

I tried to make it better by explaining the difference. Somehow, this didn't help:

• Later, someone with whom I've been trying to meet rescheduled his already re-re-rescheduled appointment, then e-mailed later and canceled that one.

• I needed to finish a query, but I couldn't find my latest document because, like a fucking genius, I named the last three documents "Document1," "Document2," and the super-specific "Article."

• The computer erased all my work (all 45 consecutive minutes of it!) and informed me that I had "chosen" to do something that made it crash. (Apparently, making something italic is verboten.) Which, by now, the computer might as well have grown a giant middle finger. I get it, computer. F me.

• The cats both did their best to help me concentrate: "Meow. Meow. Meow. [Second cat joining.] Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. [Cats beginning to fight. Murderous yowling.] MeowMeowMeowMeowMeowMeowMeowMeowMeow Meooooow. MEOW. MEOWWW!"

• I craned my body around the bend in our stairs to look at the front door, and bashed my head on the ceiling. This happens often. It is, of course, the ceiling's fault.

• My husband tried to proposition me again, more directly this time. Unfortunately for him, verbal repartee is not his strong suit. He used the word "boobies." He tried to make up for it by telling me how nice I smelled, how I smell unnaturally great for so long even between showers (kind of odd, but good so far), and that it stays wonderful "after you shower, for like a week and a half!"
Me: "Wait. A week and a half? You think that's how often I shower?"
Him: "No! I just meant..."
[Crickets chirping]
Him: "I mean, not that you don't..."
[Chirp. Chirp. Chirp.]
Him: "I only meant that you smell SO nice..."
[Chirp. Chirp. ChirpChirpChirpChirpChirp ChirpChirpChirpChirpChirp ChirpChirpChirpChirp.]
Him: "You're sexy?"

• And now I can't go to freaking sleep.


kirsten said... Best Blogger Tips

I know I shouldn't laugh, but I'm sitting here in my office stifling the giggles & snorting through my nose at your descriptions. hope you have a better day tomorrow!

The Cablenator said... Best Blogger Tips

Hilarious! Glad I clicked on your link from your photostream.

Kim (Sophisticated Dorkiness) said... Best Blogger Tips

This made me laugh. I loved the cartoons. I get really annoyed with the little things too... people in traffic make me swear like a sailor even though I'm generally a pretty nice and calm person.

Kim Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

kirsten, Cablenator: Thanks! Making people laugh when it's actually what I was going for is way cool. Much love.

Kim: Would you believe traffic is one of the few daily-minutiae things that doesn't drive me insane? I guess I'm too bad at worrying about punctuality to be mad. My husband, on the other hand, wants to murder everyone on the road, every single time.

Anonymous said... Best Blogger Tips

Sounds awful for you but sure was fun to read. I've been there with the homework! Thanks for an entertaining post.

Jill said... Best Blogger Tips

Many of those things I would hate, too. It's not irrational, you're just hard on yourself.

And your husband is hilarious. And he's a good sport for tolerating being put on the internet in such a fashion. I bet you do smell good for extended periods of time.

I will trade you one day of meows for Bill's whining.

Jessica said... Best Blogger Tips

I can always count on you for a smile--and once again, i find myself thinking how ALIKE we are!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And the homework thing doesn't get much better as they get older, it seems--my dauhter is going into 6th grade, and still I can't tell you how many times I've had to tell her that she can either be pleasant and do it, or be sullen and crabby and do it, but either way it still must get done--why make it so miserable on us BOTH?)

Kim Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

agrigirl: It wasn't that awful, but I am awfully melodramatic. Except the homework. The homework battle is seriously awful.

Jill: My husband is an awfully good sport indeed. He would also like the Internet to know that he made some passes at me before the you-smell-good incident (though I'm flummoxed as to what they might have been). And I'll trade a day of meows for a day of whining, provided that Bill does not sneak behind the computer and turn it off, or try to turn toilet time into lap time.

Jessica: Yes, and thank you! I knew you'd understand. I'm surprised I'm not bald from tearing my hair out after just one week of school. I think kids are cute just as a defense mechanism; otherwise, none of them would survive to see their 12th birthdays.

SuzRocks said... Best Blogger Tips

Haa! That conversation b/w you and your husband?? Happens all the time with my husband and I- of course with some variation. Usually ends with me crying or being 'put off'.

Loved the pics- Glad you stopped by my blog!!