Thursday, August 13, 2009

Must be nice to be perfect

My son is always right. Just ask him.

Argument From Existence
1. David exists.
2. To exist is to think.
3. To think is to have opinions.
4. Opinions in general are flawed, but David's, obviously, are not.
5. Therefore, David is right.

Argument From Earliness (a.k.a. Argument from Mom Doesn't Want to Deal With It):
1. It's 5 a.m.
2. Therefore, David is right.

Ontological Argument**
1. The unrelenting rightness of David exists in David's understanding.
2. Being totally and always right is a possible state of affairs, and might exist in reality.
3. If something awesome exists in David's mind and might have existed then it would be way better that way. The best state of affairs would be if he was really always right. (This includes bedtime, pizza, and whether the cat licking him counts as a bath.)
4. Suppose (theoretically) that David is perfect only in his understanding and not in reality.
5. I know, ridiculous. But just suppose.
6. If this were true, then it would be possible for him to be even more perfect than he is.
7. This is obviously absurd, as David is already perfect. The definition of David is perpetual correctness. It's a clear contradiction.
8. Therefore, David is right.

Argument from the Unbearable
1. Whining.
2. Therefore, David is right.

Argument from "But You SAID..."
1. David has thought about it, and he really feels an imperative to: jump off the roof/backtalk/wail inconsolably about the evening's addition problems.
2. David's parents said it was good for him to: try new things/speak his mind/share his feelings.
3. David's attention and recall are too important to be bothered by just anything, so it must crucial if he's managed to recall parental guidance to manipulate his parents make conscientious life decisions.
4. Therefore, David is right.

Teleological Argument
1. Constructions such as a complex intergalactic storyline at the age of three, clear and stunning photographs by the age of five, and sketches of animals apparently constructed entirely from phalluses at every age are obviously too brilliant to have been accomplished by anyone but a genius of the highest degree.
2. David invented the adventures of Debka, and produces stunning photographs and whole populations of penisauruses to this day.
3. Therefore, David is a genius of the highest degree.
4. Therefore, David is right.

Argument From Hastening of Public Humiliation
1. David has no qualms about bellowing the names of body parts in public.
2. He has been asked to save it until later or whisper, if it's absolutely necessary.
3. Of course, if it occurs to David to say, it must be absolutely necessary.
4. He favors a stage whisper that is much louder than normal talking.
5. Therefore, David is right.

Transcendental Argument
1. Morality, knowledge, bathing, entertainment, purchasing desserts, pet ownership, and watching television have no meaning except in reference to David's desires.
2. You might think you led a meaningful existence prior to seven years ago, but you are mistaken.
3. Therefore, David is right.

Argument from Strength in Numbers
1. David.
2. Another David.
3. Destructive power of a bucket-wheel excavator combined with voices of howler monkeys and the attention spans of hamsters.
4. Sleepover sans sleep.
5. Therefore, David is right.

I'm so proud. And scared.

**It has occurred to me that the people able to fully appreciate my attempt at humor here are also going to be able to recognize that I totally butchered concepts like the telelogical and the ontological argument. Go easy. It's just for fun, plus I haven't had any philosophy or logic courses in many years. Besides, I'm right. Even David said so.


heather said... Best Blogger Tips

David is from a long line of "I'm always right" men.

I always said with my Dad that there were two ways of doing things, his way or the wrong way.

Kim Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

Ha, yeah. I think David must be channeling his grandfather sometimes.