Saturday, June 23, 2007

Great balls of silicone

Perhaps the Internet knew I needed a little levity today. I was browsing (read: procrastinating) last night and came across an article entitled "Fake dog testicles help pet owners accept neutering." Seriously, who wouldn't be drawn to a headline beginning with the words "Fake dog testicles?"

Apparently the procedure's been around for quite a while -- I did seem to remember something about it from the dredges of memory -- and is gaining some momentum among pet owners who want to neuter their pet dog but feel they are depriving the poor pooch of doggie masculinity, or are making him feel empty, or perhaps they feel guilty endorsing the removal of such a clearly enjoyable licking diversion. I'm not sure. At any rate, the procedure is done after an animal is neutered, and replaces the real deals with silicone lookalikes. They've sold over 250,000 sets since 1995, costing up to $1,800, "for implantation in animals as diverse as a rhesus monkey in Arkansas and a water buffalo in Colorado." Most vets seem slightly bemused, some disapproving but some willing to humor eccentric owners if it encourages the control of pet populations.

The thing that got me the most was the statement that Neuticles are "marketed for their 'real' shape and feel."

Huh? Feel? Assuming dogs aren't too discerning while licking their nether-regions (and I think we can assume this is the case), who is feeling these? I guess I can sort of, kind of, almost see how someone overly concerned with manliness or gender in general would appreciate Neuticles as a sort of showcase for the dog's alleged mettle. But who's conducting tactile examinations? Another guy said he liked the procedure because otherwise it "just wouldn't look right." I don't know; I think I generally engage pets via the other end.

In related news (yes, really) we recently took our new cat in to be neutered (sans Neuticles request). After a cursory examination, the vet called me back to tell me there was nothing left to remove. Something of an animal person and (I thought) pretty observant, I felt fairly stupid to have overlooked this. I asked: "So, uh how can you..."

"Tell? Like this." At this point he received a considerably peeved look from the cat as he demonstrated how he arrived at his conclusion. "It's not receded at all, so you wouldn't really know unless you palpated the scrotal sack. See?" I assured him I did not, in fact, make a habit of palpating such things.

The cat continued to shoot reproachful looks at me the whole way home.


Manky said... Best Blogger Tips

OMG! I just found out that men who have testicular surgery are using implants made of silicone to fill the voided area. This is not something to which I had ever given any thought, but once I did, I decided I don't get it. I get it even less when dogs need fake testicles. My mind immediately goes into overdrive as I imagine dogs being coached through masculine testicular void syndrome by someone like Dr Phil on national tv. I'd like to know how comes those silicone jobbies are supposed to be a bag thing when they inflate boobs to gargantuan size, but when they replace missing testicles (or boobs), they're the best thing since hot fudge sundaes with almonds.

Anyway, I tend to go on and on... thank you for a very amusing post. I guffawed my way right through it. :)

Manky said... Best Blogger Tips

I meant that to be "bad thing" not "bag thing"

Kim Hosey said... Best Blogger Tips

I hadn't read that about men using implants after testicular surgery, although I can more easily see a justification for that than a dog's sense of his masculinity being tied to his, er, equipment -- or a dog even having a sense of masculinity to speak of, for that matter. I think it's all a little silly too.

Oh, and "bag" typo prompted my own guffaw, the topic being what it is. Perhaps I'm suffering heat stroke and am a little immature today.