20 things I still haven't learned

1. That some people will never agree with me.
2. That an increase in volume will not make them agree with me.
   
3. That telling someone "I never watch television" or "I read mostly nonfiction," however true, will not win you any friends.
4. How to make prodigious use of the Internet without losing untold hours and days to its distractions.
5. That hot surfaces are hot.
6. That jumping spiders jump.
7. That knives are sharp.
8. That solid surfaces are solid, and hurt upon collision with one's person.
   
9. How to navigate predominantly via map directions.
10. That "ponytail" is not a hairstyle.
11. That "whatever's clean" is not a clothing style.
    
12. How to read without skipping all over the page or screen.
13. That it's not a good idea to smell your hand to check out the nature of that carpet moisture.
14. That it's not a good idea to smell socks or undergarments to ascertain their before-laundry or after-laundry status. (But if you really have to, undergarments are still better than socks. Oy.)
15. How to stay on task.
16. That upholstery will get wet if the car is left in the rain with the windows wide open. And that sitting on said upholstery and then picking up a first-grader is sure to provoke much jollity. ("Mom! You look like you wet your pants!")
17. How to be funny.
18. That bananas really hate me. The love is unrequited.
19. How to make friends as easily as my son.
20. How to pound out blog posts in less than an hour without resorting to cheaterly lists.

Things I'll never understand

In no particular order:

How a six-year-old and a diabetic have consumed most of the cookies I baked less than two days ago.

The irrational, unfounded fear some folks have.

The appeal of crocs.

My own inability to shut up when it's prudent.

Faith. I think anyone who claims to fully understand it is mistaken or not being truthful.

The extent of the total wonderfulness and awesomeness of my kid.

How, exactly, a car works.

Why we seem to be fine with the rising price of any number of things, but will drive out of our way to save two cents a gallon on gas.

The inverse relationship between the popularity of a meme and its coolness.

How people can say arts in the schools are a waste of time.

Why my husband puts up with me. Especially when I tell him things like "I totally promise I'll have the laundry done and ready before your super-excruciating long shift at work tomorrow," get mad if he doesn't totally believe me, and then present him with second-stringer boxers and a slightly wrinkled work shirt for work the next day.

Ginormous aviator-style sunglasses.

How I manage to utter phrases like "What did I say about butts?" "Your penis is fine," and "If you lick that, I'm going to be really mad!" while keeping a straight face.

Why the heck people insist on saying "an historic," as in "This has been an historic election." Do we say "an Hawaiian" or "an hotel?"

How my mom single-handedly raised three teenagers.

Why my husband insists on putting empty soda cans back in the refrigerator. (And how I manage to refrain from harming him when my morning caffeine fix is repeatedly thwarted.)

Why nobody within earshot the other day congratulated me on my cleverness for my usage of the phrase "Barack me Obamadeus."

Child abuse.

Why the cat treats every time I go to the bathroom like an urgent, special social occasion between the two of us.

Why an entire forest had to be paperized just so we could try to buy a house.

Many of the things I act like I understand.