20 things I still haven't learned

1. That some people will never agree with me.
2. That an increase in volume will not make them agree with me.
   
3. That telling someone "I never watch television" or "I read mostly nonfiction," however true, will not win you any friends.
4. How to make prodigious use of the Internet without losing untold hours and days to its distractions.
5. That hot surfaces are hot.
6. That jumping spiders jump.
7. That knives are sharp.
8. That solid surfaces are solid, and hurt upon collision with one's person.
   
9. How to navigate predominantly via map directions.
10. That "ponytail" is not a hairstyle.
11. That "whatever's clean" is not a clothing style.
    
12. How to read without skipping all over the page or screen.
13. That it's not a good idea to smell your hand to check out the nature of that carpet moisture.
14. That it's not a good idea to smell socks or undergarments to ascertain their before-laundry or after-laundry status. (But if you really have to, undergarments are still better than socks. Oy.)
15. How to stay on task.
16. That upholstery will get wet if the car is left in the rain with the windows wide open. And that sitting on said upholstery and then picking up a first-grader is sure to provoke much jollity. ("Mom! You look like you wet your pants!")
17. How to be funny.
18. That bananas really hate me. The love is unrequited.
19. How to make friends as easily as my son.
20. How to pound out blog posts in less than an hour without resorting to cheaterly lists.