- WARNING: I will get cancer from heating anything in the microwave.
- WARNING: Homosexuals, because they cannot reproduce, are out to "recruit" children via our public schools.
- I can increase the size of "that special male member." By up to two hundred percent!
- WARNING: Dora the Explorer is actually just a mouthpiece for propagandists to "Latinize" our society.
- Obama is counting on me.
- McCain is counting on me.
- A college political club whose table I once stopped at for two minutes in 2005 is "counting on the unique difference that YOU, [insert first name], can make come November." (I'm not kidding. This was the exact wording.)
- No, really. I can increase my size. Tonight!
- I've been missing out by neglecting to visit something called Girlz Camz.
- I can still find that Special Someone, even though I'm a single woman over 40.
(Well, at least the last one got my gender correct.)
Naturally I answered, "No, sweetie, I'm not working. What's up?"
"What happens when we die? Is there a heaven we can see, and is it like the Spirit World on Avatar?"
That's the thing about kids. You never wade into the deep end. You dive, head-first, and usually smash your skull a few times before swimming competently. But that's the thing I love the most too. There are so many times I've been thinking about some issue or other, and want to just broach the topic with someone. But with the possible exception of my mother, whose brain patterns, at least insofar as their irregularity and abruptness and things-connected-to-things, happily coincide with my own, no one is very receptive to my tendency to come out with "Sure, I'll pass the bread. Speaking of the death penalty..."
We're swimming now. It's tough. But it's pretty sweet.
And it's easier than answering the other question he asked: "Why do you have two e-mails with the word penis in uppercase letters?"